Inside My Mind. . .

What If. . .

2009-05-20T23:50:00.004-05:00

Today I felt pretty artsy, so I decided to get a canvas at Michael's. I didn't know what make me think that I need to leave at 2 pm, but I did. I spend half an hour at Michael's, got the canvas, and I really wanterd to stop by PeiWei afterwards. So I did. I got my food, and was about to leave when I saw a guy walking slowly towards my car. He waved. "He didn't look scary," I thought. I rolled down my car window half-way, just to be extra careful. Turned out that he needed me to do him a little favor, which I could do by God's grace.

It's after I went home that it strucked me. I began to have some thoughts floating around in my mind. Did God make me leave at 2? Did He know I will spend half an hour at Michael's? Did He make me wanted to get some food from PeiWei so I could meet that guy?

Say, if He planned that I was going to be there at the right place, at the right time, and He put the thought in my mind to leave at 2, doesn't He know that I would spend 30 minutes at Michael's and another 10 at PeiWei? What if I decided to spend more time at Michael's? Or could I do that if it's against His will? What if I decided to rebel on purpose? Is His plan still going to be fulfilled, or would He take into accounts my rebellion? Will He still use me if I still rebelled? Is it about perfect obedience, or is it the direction our hearts are leaned towards?

I believe it's a matter of convictions. He made us as unique as we are, and like different doors, no one key will fit them all. I have the key to my door - my convictions, but I will not be able to open your door. So, what's your take?

I hope what happened blesses you as much as it did me.

Love,

The Power of Music

2008-04-26T00:57:00.002-05:00

Song writing… It is more than putting lyrics and melody together. The interaction between the components is unique. No non-instrumental song will be better than the melody and the words combined together, and to optimize the synergy, the melody must intertwine in such a way to enrich and deepen the lyrics, and vice versus. Writing song is such a humbling experience. It allows me to reflect on my life without being drawn into the sadness or overwhelming ecstasy. The whole process was therapeutic, as well as challenging me to keep improving my musical skills.

I have spent quite some time to write several songs these last several weeks. It has been the most productive period of my life, music-writing-wise. I began to see music as a diary that we can share with anyone in the world. I had a chance to write down my honest thoughts over chord progressions: no boundaries, no feel-bad-if-people-know-my-story kind of feeling either. It is such a freeing experience.

In the process of writing, I began to realize song writing, like other things that can be chosen as careers, is not merely a job, or a road to fame. Song writing is an art. Song writing is an expression of honesty. A song itself is like a language. As a part of a nation, we learn how to communicate with each other using a certain language. As a part of science studies, there are certain lingos we have to understand to be able to communicate our scientific knowledge. It is also true in music. Music is another form a language. I learned that as a type of language, speaking fluently is not always the most important thing. Indeed it is helpful to know as many vocabulary (or in this case as much as music theory) as possible, but I think it is important to remember that the main purpose is being able to communicate using what we know. And, yes, it is not easy.. I am learning.

It is strange how I can be so honest in my writing. I can say exactly what I want to say without worrying to offend anybody (not that I channel my anger towards somebody through my songs). An experience is never wrong, and feeling is as real as it can get, so I can write everything I experience, every single happy and hurtful moment without hiding anything. Written in a diary, things like temporary ‘dislike’, ‘forbidden love’, or anger towards a friend can hurt when they read it, but through music, you can share your heart to the person you are angry at through your song, and most likely, the person will not get offended, but instead, might even like the melody of the song as well.

Really, music is such a blessing in this world, where both honesty and being considerate are valued highly. Good music is actually more powerful than what I expected it to be, and writing music is definitely a wonderful, humbling experience.

Expecting the Unexpected

2008-01-20T22:18:00.001-06:00

May the Lord's peace be with you always...

How ironic...

I was planning to fill this blog with something spritual or life philosophies from which others can learn from, but it turns out that my first entry would be on my past relationship that had shaped me to become who I am today. I am not proud of what I have done - of how I have hurt somebody whom I had to protect, I had to care for - yet, looking back make me realize that the relationship have helped me to grow towards emotional and mental maturity. The relationship and everything else that came along with it... they were indescribable, full of surprises, and I have learned a lot from them.

I learned to see how irresponsible I had been, how ignorant...Most of the time I made her feel lonesome, often made her feel worthless, and made her shed her tears. I did not do it on purpose, but I cannot look back without admitting that for the most part, it was the faults on my behalf that her hearty was torn in two. I wish I had been more understanding, more sensitive, and less jealous.

Looking back, I realized how much I had impacted her life, mentally, psychologically... how I brought her spirit down... it has been years since those moments passed from my sight, and now I can see everything from a different point of view. Some parts of me really wish I could turn back time, but the remaining parts of me realized that if everything did not happen the way it had, I could not stand where I am today and become more sensitive, more understanding, and more willing to listen.

When we were together, I loved her very much. If anything bad should happen to her that time, I would ask God to take my life instead – if I could – but such love was not enough. I had to express it or else it would follow me to the grave and I would be the only person who walks the earth that know such love ever exists.

I began to think... it is true that you might not be able to appreciate your friends' presence when they are around, and back then, she was around me all the time. I failed to realize how different my life would have been without her. The almost-three-year relationship was surprisingly impactful on my part. When I skimmed through an old diary – we used to keep a diary – I was surprised of how childish, how erratically my mood changed. My mood swing made her rode on an emotional roller coaster. One day I made her feel so happy saying how romantic I was – whatever the meaning might be – and the next day she would suffer from my ignorance. If there is a person in this world who has to apologize desperately, it would be me.

By reading this entry, you might start to have a picture in your mind of how bad I was, maybe speculating if I am still the same ignorant person... It's totally fine. Even in my head, I have a picture of my face stained with guilt and regrets. I know I was not a perfect man, not an ideal boyfriend... maybe nobody is perfect anyway, or maybe it is not a big deal to be imperfect... but her tears and her broken heart are certainly a big deal, big enough to turn me back and wanting to apologize.

I wish I could make it up to her. I don't want to be back in her arms, and she might never want to trip over the same trap twice anyway, but I feel I need to make it up to her somehow. Should I pay a person who had taught me how to be a man with those pain and sufferings? It just... doesn't seem right.

It's hard to see her now since I am in the United States already, but nevertheless, I would try at least to apologize in person, not for her sake but more for mine. I want to get rid of this uneasiness within.

If there is a lesson I can learn from my experience, it would be: I should appreciate my friends – both my friend- friends, and girlfriend- friend – more when they are around, because I will never know when I will have to carry on with my life without them by my side.

The Windows to My World. . .

2007-09-05T15:37:00.001-05:00

Shalom,

My name is Donny Kristianto. I came to the United States a year ago. I was born and raised in Indonesia, a third-world nation in the South-East of Asia. I was born in 1987, on Christmas day. It is so funny to remember that I always got two Christmas presents from my parents and close relatives. I came to Baylor University to study Chemistry. I am not sure how I ended up being on the Pre-Med track. My parents always want me to be a doctor, but I don't remember since when I have assimilated this dream and calling it my own.

I always like Psychology more than anything else. I have not attended any counseling course or anything like it, except a very short training sessions before I became the vice-chairman of FOCUS Fellowship or Christian Students, a student-run organization, founded by Pastor Desmond Soh, that was later integrated into IPEKA Christian High School as an after school activity. Running FOCUS was one of a few turning point in my life. I learned to see how different and unique individuals are. I learned to value every mind, and every soul. When I had to move on, FOCUS is one of several things in my life that has the power to shape me and contribute significantly in making me who I am today.

Baylor University was another big one in my life. My first year in the States, at Baylor, leaves a lot of funny memories and stories to share. That time, I did not speak English very well. Yes, I was used to reading English textbooks, Bibles, and all that, but I did not practice speaking the language that much. In the first few weeks in Waco, I had no confident. I often mixed up and confused words, and more often than not, I would use the wrong word. In many occasions, I just wished I did have to speak, did not have to say a word. Nervousness soon became one of my best friends. First week of school, I remember, there were only three words that came out of my mouth, and those are: yes, no, and okay. I still remember how it felt to be lonely in the middle of a crowd filled with people who actually care for me and are willing to help.

Life got better and better from that day on, and finally I regained my confidence. These days, I often sit on my desk and look back, reflecting on my past to figure out if there are lessons I could have learned by now. There is a quote that says, “All the things I need to learn, I learned it in high school,” and yes, I am a believer. Now is not only the time for me to learn. It is the time to put the pieces of puzzle I have collected all my life and make a sense of it by putting them where they belong.

This blog will be a window into my world, the world that I myself might have never known and only God knows what is inside. This is my attempt to reflect upon my past, my response to my present, and the path to my future. As I go on my journey of transforming dreams into realities, I want to share with the world what I think and what I learn, my ups and my downs, as well as my successes and my failures. This blog is one of my attempts to keep myself accountable to be honest to my friends, to my older and younger brothers and sisters in Christ.

Blessings, and much love,

Donny

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